Sometimes, in between getting out of work and going to class, I like to sit in the park and read. I’m usually the only one in there – it’s a tiny one, across from the school – and it’s relatively shaded and peaceful.
Until the Bird Lady came.
A little background: I’m not shy about the fact that I have a slight fear of birds. And I know it might sound crazy, but the beaks and wings and everything coming at you all at once can be a little terrifying. And the birds and I, well, we should have an understanding. I’ve never chased them; I’m never mean. I prefer the live-and-let-live course of action – letting them live far away from me, of course. But we don’t.
So, back to the park. I was sitting there, minding my own business, keeping my eye on this one brazen pigeon who seemed like he wanted nothing more than to peck at my toes. But he was the exception. The majority of the birds were leaving well enough alone.
Until that goddamned Bird Lady.
She waltzes into the park like she’s in a Disney movie and just starts flinging birdseed every which way. I almost expected her to break out into song.
And what do the previously calm pigeons do? With a collective whoooooosh of wings, they all fly up and start attacking the birdseed. And I realize that there are far more birds around me than I initially thought. And now they’re hyped up.
Bird Lady continues to toss out birdseed and then even some nuts, because it’s not enough to rile up the birds. She’s trying to get the squirrels in on the action, too. And the entire animal population in the park is in a frenzy, so it’s clearly working. You’d think they hadn’t eaten in forever.
But then, Bird Lady just leaves! She just empties her feedsack and bounces, leaving the creatures all amped up! So who do the birds turn to when the lady with the food is gone? That’s right. The only other human in the park who was just innocently sitting on the bench trying to figure out offensive realist theory.
Fucking, Bird Lady.
I tried to wait it out. I really did. But I think the fear just gets worse as time goes on, and Mr. Brazen Pigeon was even bolder after getting fed. And he was bringing his friends.
So I admitted defeat and exited the park. I’m not proud, but these things happen. Though, if Bird Lady makes it happen again, I’m going to have to give her a piece of my mind.
Probably under my breath, though, since she might sic the birds on me.
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